3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
