you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
