I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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