I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize