I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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