You're so nebulous sometimes
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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