I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
