Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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