Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
