I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
