I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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