On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Randomize
