I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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