My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I need to calm my uterus...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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