dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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