YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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