You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
