Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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