I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dear god my vagina.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
