I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
