apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
