I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
