I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
