I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
do nipples grow back?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
