I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
