my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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