I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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