she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
