I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
