he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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