theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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