i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
