Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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