I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
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