im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I want her autograph on my taint
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
