I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
