After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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