Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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