I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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