my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
