Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
