She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
