I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
