I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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