There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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