There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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