Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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