i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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