Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
