Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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