Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize