her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
