What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
