after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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