oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
